Saturday, December 11, 2010

Skiing for truckers - beginners course!

Arrived in the snow covered town of Mackenzie, BC. Whose claims to fame include tourism, logging and home to the largest tree crusher in Canada, well there’s nice! As the local fleshpots were buried under several tons of the white stuff, went to bed. I was awakened to the thundering scrape of tons of snow being scraped off the roadway at 0400hrs, where I might add it was no harm to anyone, and thrust under my truck, where it did. Some little time later, he came back and did it again! I arose from the arms of Morpheus, and the dream where Shania had just agreed to some of the more weird stuff,so curtailing this seriously hacked me off. I exited the cab and fell head first into a small ski jumping hill now located around the drivers side of my rig - I lay there, face down in the snow, which is a very effect way of feeling wretched by the way, and considered my options with regard to the Plough driver:-
1) Using mind control only, cause him to spontaneously ignite - Rejected on the grounds of not knowing his location and face and besides, it’s not a trick I’ve mastered -yet!

2) Summon a level 9 Ice Dragon and chill the nuts off him - Rejected, It would mean entering and learning some Dungeon & Dragons realm, having to become a Magus and I failed basic chemistry, so Potions and Poisons is probably gonna let me down.

3) Invoke an ancient curse. - Rejected, I don’t know any - but I did send a few more modern ones casting doubts on his paternity and his parents failure to present themselves for sterilization!

Picking myself up I trooped off to the delivery point where I obtained coffee - the days brightening already! Trudged back and in attempting to negotiate aforementioned ski slope, fell over and dropped coffee! This time I had a witness, the driver of the truck behind me, who exited his cab and hurried towards me. I was expecting a chorus of “Are you alright’s?” Ha, what I got was some fat sniggering jerk extolling things like ; “Lying down on the job again?” - “Didn’t you get enough sleep last night then?” - “Would you like me to fetch a blanket?” all accompanied by the jackass type braying as he considered this the highest wit and repartee since time immemorial. I lay in the coffee stained snow, (least it isn’t yellow!), an regarded the giggling imbecile!

Options :-

1) Clamber to feet, brush off loose snow and grin and bear it. - Rejected, he was just too much of a jerk to resist!

2) Clamber to feet, pick up snow shovel and hit him with it! - Rejected, the shovel was mostly plastic and might break. Besides, they say “Where there’s no sense, there’s no feeling!” in which case this man was invincible!

3) Attempt to get inside his mind and explain the dangers of throwing oneself face down on the planet. - Rejected, whilst there was plenty of room to get inside his mind, because there was very little else in there, any word of more than two syllables was unlikely to find a shelf big enough to rest on.

I simply favored him with my total warfare frown and he left. I scrambled to my feet and retrieving the empty cup, walked back to fill it. Returning to the truck, and remaining vertical, I studied the situation. The snow plough had managed to effectively “snow me in” by shoving prodigious amounts of the stuff under the wheels. I attempted to move said truck, which simply sat there and spun it’s wheels with the engine making a noise that sounded suspiciously like, “Are you kidding?” In my professional world this failure to move with as many wheels driving as possible, is called “Stuck”! Sometimes with words in front such as “The fornicating person of unmarried parents and with an engine that’s nothing more than a heap of horse effluent is stuck!” It doesn’t really matter how you talk to it, it ain’t moving!
Clambered out, carefully, and retrieved the snow shovel. So started shifting the stuff, dug out the front wheels , then the drives. Took a rest and leaned on the shovel, which slipped on the packed snow and I fell over -again! (I’m getting really tired of this!) I shot to my feet and glared at the following driver, who seemed to find something interesting to look at over his right shoulder, was he laughing? Probably not, he wouldn’t dare! Shoveled out the trailer wheels, then cleared a path under the trailer for them to run on, instead of trying to drag em through the stuff!
We do actually carry tire chains for this sort of thing, but putting em on is a right pain, there may be more uncooperative things in the universe but they have yet to be discovered! In my view we should have prisoners stationed at the top and bottom of every hill to affix these things for us! There’d be a lot less in jail as a result, standing around and trying to fit these things would make some miscreant think twice before snatching granny’s purse and legging it! Besides, we could afford to lose a few to frostbite and it would teach the survivors a trade!

Returned to the cab and engaged all the stuff one’s supposed to, released brake and the damn thing took off like someone lit the afterburner! Frantically I steered to a gap in the wall of snow intending to exit to the road, just as I reached it, the snowplough came around the corner! Nothing was gonna stop me now so I just steered straight at him! He took one look and turned into a handy factory forecourt (Maybe he’s a Level 5 Magus?!) and stopped, I didn’t - Ha! Revenge !!! At peace with the world and myself, I entered the yard to unload!


Ponita in Real Life said...

So, for Christmas would a quick study manual for potions and hexes be appropriate??? Perhaps a gift card to summon dragons when required? Or your own personal prisoners, strapped to the back of the truck, ready to hop off and attach or removed chains when necessary??? How about a never empty coffee cup, that is always full of hot fresh coffee and is spillproof???

savannah said...

been a bit since i've commented, thought i'd put you on the blogroll, but i hadn't, so, there you go and here you are and hello again, sugar. anyway, safe travels, i hate snow and there's a good chance i'll be in wisconsin in February checking on an order before we ship it overseas. did i mention i hate snow and i hate driving in it even more! xoxo

LongHaulBrit said...


mapstew said...

Yer a funny man so y'are! :¬)

Anonymous said...

Hello there. I just want to say that you put up a very nice post for Charlie. Didn't want to comment after him, feels inappropriate.

So you are perfecting your snow falling abilities in BC? Carry on ... :)

LongHaulBrit said...

Sorry people, I'm still having techno difficulties, can't comment on anyone else's blog.
Thanks for stopping by - Ponita is in contact with NASA - computer banks are clicking on - Washington has been alerted (God knows why?!)

Anonymous said...

The techies at NASA have given me some potentially helpful info. Will be passing that along to be tried soon. Washington is in a state of flux... but that's nothing new. ;-)

Please stand by.

Ponita - at work *shhhh... I'm not supposed to be on here...*

Pearl said...

Ah! This was delightful. So glad you found me, so I could find you.


hope said...

Sorry, got behind on my Sav I thought I'd added you to my list. I do apologize.

Ah, the southern amongst us feel your pain as we see snow for about 24 hours, it shuts down life and then it melts and life goes on. Tip: NEVER try to drive in the Southern U.S. during freak snow storms as the plow dude will seem like a rocket scientist compared to southern drivers. I can say that: I was born, raised and still live in the South, meaning I'm smart enough to stay OFF the road during those times. :)

Safe driving.